There are few personal dilemmas worse than dealing with an alcoholic or drug-addicted spouse. The actions of the drinking and drug abuse partner can be humiliating, dangerous, and overwhelming. This article examines how an alcoholic or drug-addicted partner can be helped. Some of the ideas seem counter-intuitive, and any article about substance use disorders is incomplete without considering how non-alcoholic partners should deal with themselves.
Understand Substance Use Disorders
Alcoholism and drug addiction is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug and alcohol, use of alcohol and drugs despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial. Each of these symptoms may be continuous or periodic. (Morse & Flavin, 1992) The definition is not a pretty one, but a couple of things need to be noted.
Substance Use Disorders are:
- A disease
- Often progressive
- Can be fatal
- Denial is a key indicator
All of these are relevant, and yet none can be the overriding concern of the partner of the alcoholic.
It’s important to understand that alcoholism is a disease, and spouses of alcoholics should not blame themselves for their partner’s drinking. Similarly, they should not accept blame for their partner’s alcoholism. Crucial to helping an alcoholic spouse is the recognition that the drinker has to acknowledge their powerlessness over alcohol to recover.
Consider Your Own Needs and Your Own Health
Those who have an alcoholic partner often experience tremendous stress. There may be children in the household, and this will exacerbate the concerns that the partner will experience. For these reasons, the spouses of alcoholics and addicts must consider their own mental health issues first. The best thing to do is ensure the safety of those in the household. Alcoholics can be emotionally and physically abusive. Safety, in this instance, means safety against all possible forms of abuse. The first thing that needs to be done is to plan for the worst eventualities.
It would be a good idea to join Al-Anon, a national institute that aims to “help you learn how to cope with the challenges of someone else’s drinking.” (Scot, n.d.) Al-Anon talks about detachment, saying, “Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching.” Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person’s alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively. (Al-Anon, n.d.)
The document further goes on to say:
“In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else’s drinking. We are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.” (Al-Anon, n.d.)
Peer support groups are crucial to the spouse and family of the alcoholic. It provides a place of stability, strength, and compassion. Drawing on the experience of others helps flatten the learning curve. They may well have experience in domestic violence and are generally the best option for the non-drinking spouse’s emotional support.
Get Professional Help
Professionals in the addiction field can help the partners of alcoholics and addicts find help and support and start to change the dynamics for the whole family. There are both inpatient and outpatient programs for families of alcoholics and individual therapy.
If there is an abusive situation, including alcohol-related causes, it’s imperative to get to safety immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. Text 88788 or visit their website at www.thehotline.org. This is a completely anonymous call and one of many positive steps to keep yourself and your children safe.
Enabling the Addict/Alcoholic
Enabling the addict or the one with an alcohol abuse issue can be defined as trying to minimize the extent or the effects of the person’s substance use problem. Spouses will make excuses for their partner’s addiction, such as calling in to work for them or holding down extra jobs to pay the bills. They will bail the addict out of a difficult situation, such as a DUI arrest, or help pay personal bills. Partners may begin to isolate themselves to hide their spouse’s addiction from other personal relationships. The addicted person’s life slowly becomes the perfect storm when the spouse is enabling them in these ways. Because for anyone who suffers from substance abuse disorders, the first step towards recovery is for that person to recognize that they are powerless over their addiction. The longer active addicts can avoid the consequences of their addiction, the longer they will continue to use.
Sometimes the addicts will find themselves hurt badly. In this instance, the partners of addicts should ensure the alcoholic gets to the hospital and then leave. Or call 911 and leave the situation. This seems harsh. It is, after all, supposedly the closest personal relationship, and this seems like abandoning the addict. It is not. The person is safe, but anything that smacks sympathy will not serve the primary aim of letting the drinker arrive at the point where they realize that they are powerless over alcohol.
It cannot be stressed enough that the heavy drinking and the influence of alcohol on the alcoholic spouse is not the fault of the other. This is not quite as true of the enabler. They are still not at fault for the drinker’s choices but do make their drinking easier.
The best thing to do is stop all of the actions that are focused only on supporting or hiding the fact or extent of the alcohol problem their partner has, and begin to set healthy boundaries. How do you know what you’re doing is enabling? Getting professional help and entering a recovery program yourself is the only form of treatment for partners of addicts.
Family Members of Alcoholics and Addicts
12-step meetings are littered with tales of people dragged there by a desperate family member. These forced addicts end up coming to perhaps one of two meetings and then vanishing. Certainly, those with a drinking problem do not yield to coercion. Ultimatums invariably fail, create antagonism, and, in most cases, have the opposite effect. Family interventions of the type so often seen in films will likely not work. While the drinker is in denial about their alcohol consumption, every comment that targets their lack of conviction over the existence of a severe alcohol use disorder will make the problem worse.
In dealing with the alcoholic, people are not dealing with someone rational. Any comment about their drinking is seen as a personal attack and as a threat to their habit, which they need, against all normal logic, to protect. The reaction can be extreme like any person compelled to defend something they desperately need or love. But in the case of the alcoholic, not always.
They can also react by manipulation. The alcoholic will agree to go to an A.A. meeting, even enthusiastically. The enthusiasm, though, will mask their true reluctance, and they will go with the spouse to keep them quiet and hope to say at the end, “See, I’m not like them.”
They may go again to quiet the comments about their drinking, and then the conversation will stop. Excuses will start, antagonism will grow, and the visits to A.A. meetings will be quoted as proof that they do not have a problem.
Pointing out signs of alcohol addiction will not help either. The only thing that helps an alcoholic and another alcoholic. Alcohol treatment may be the best route in some cases.
Be Ready When They Ask For Help
When the alcoholic partner signals that they are ready to make a change to their life, the spouse should be ready to act. Despite years of mistrust and hurt, the one opportunity to constructively help is now open. It is a good thing if the sober spouse has alcohol rehab information at hand and can take initiative.
The family members should gather information ahead of time to have ready at hand when the drinker reaches the point when they admit they have no control over their excessive drinking. Information about Alcoholics Anonymous and local meetings is ideal, as well as details about alcohol addiction treatment and family therapy sessions. Information about treatment options and treatment programs is ideal.
The family members can seize the chance and emphasize their happiness with the choice. They can also bring out the mine of information they have gathered regarding substance abuse treatment, the nearby treatment center, what the recovery process takes, and discuss the best way forward.
This is the moment that the paradoxical approach has been intended to reach. The alcoholic, driven to desperation and dejection, reaches out, and the spouse, after waiting and doing nothing, now becomes a helpmeet and anchor. This is where it all makes sense. The spouse has helped by not enabling the alcoholic behavior and by waiting in the wings to help when the possibility of redemption finally arises.
Conclusion
For the spouse of a person with a drinking problem, the answer to the question of how to help their spouse is paradoxical and counterintuitive. The partner helps best by doing nothing at all until the one with the drinking habit is ready to move on from their alcohol dependence. Recognizing it is the right time provides an opportunity to be seized. The preparation for this point becomes crucial, as is the necessity that the addicted spouse is aware of the approval, if not sheer delight, that their partner is experiencing at the step being undertaken.
John Milton wrote, “They also serve who only stand and wait.” (Foundation, 2022) This is true of those who have an alcoholic spouse. They need to deal with their issues, protect themselves and the other family members, and then, when the opportunity presents itself, move in to support their life partner and build a new status quo.
References
Al-Anon. (n.d.). Detachment. Retrieved February 1, 2022, from https://www.al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf
Co-Dependency. (n.d.). Mental Health America. Retrieved February 1, 2022, from https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency
Foundation, P. (2022, February 1). Sonnet 19: When I consider how my light is spent by John Milton (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/) [Text/html]. Poetry Foundation; Poetry Foundation. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44750/sonnet-19-when-i-consider-how-my-light-is-spent
FunSaaz. (n.d.). When a codependent is drowning, somebody else’s life flashes before his eyes. FunSaaz. Retrieved February 1, 2022, from https://funsaaz.com/quotes/codependent/when-a-codependent-is-drowning-somebody-else-s-life-flashes-before-his-eye/
Morse, R. M., & Flavin, D. K. (1992). The definition of alcoholism. The Joint Committee of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence and the American Society of Addiction Medicine to Study the Definition and Criteria for the Diagnosis of Alcoholism. JAMA, 268(8), 1012–1014. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.268.8.1012
Scot. (n.d.). How do I help my Alcoholic Family Member or Friend? Al-Anon Family Groups. Retrieved February 1, 2022, from https://al-anon.org/ne