Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (Step 12)
A sponsor has been there and done that. The sponsor-sponsee relationship is vital in a 12-step program. This post looks at the sponsor’s role in the recovery process.
What Does a Sponsor Do in Addiction Recovery?
The role of a sponsor is to guide, mentor, and be a strong friend. In those moments in recovery when you want that shot of bourbon or to snort a line, the person to call is your sponsor. Always get a sponsor’s phone number because it’s better to call than to relapse.
Sponsors help us with everyday life. Little things in life can have a risk of relapse. During difficult times, you want a sponsor to call on to help you with situations.
A sponsor is someone in the same 12-step recovery program as you. If you are in the AA program, your potential sponsor should be in the AA program as well. They should have worked the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous or another 12-step recovery program.
For good reason, you want someone who has gone through drinking, addiction, and now recovery. They know how difficult it can be. A good sponsor knows how to ask difficult questions and to ask without being judgmental.
What Are the Qualities of a Sponsor in 12-step Recovery Programs?
A sponsor is someone of integrity who will treat everything in confidence, even the smallest details. The degree of confidence should be no less than that of the Catholic confessional. The trust must be complete.
A sponsor should have a successful recovery and several years of sobriety behind them. They should be able to draw on their own experiences of recovery from substance abuse. They must be committed to the sponsor role and see sponsorship as a service.
The sponsorship relationship is rooted in the purpose of the twelfth step quoted at the top of this article. It is the culmination of everything to have reached a point where, from once having been in the same position as the sponsee, they can now help someone emerge from the darkness by sharing their own recovery and experience.
One of the most difficult things in the sobriety journey is achieving balance, particularly the idea in the 9th Step Promises, which says, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” A sponsor is vital in helping in getting people past that hard time when they are overwhelmed with guilt about their actions while drinking.
Selecting a Sponsor for the First Time
Do not rush to find a sponsor. Some rush and others are hesitant but be assured that the benefits of a good sponsor are immense. Pray that your higher power will show you a good temporary sponsor. Choosing a temporary sponsor as a guide in early recovery is wise. And during the time your temporary sponsor is helping guide you, you can continue to look for the right sponsor. Gather phone numbers at your 12-step group and look for someone with long-term recovery. Sometimes, a temporary sponsor becomes a good potential sponsor shortly.
Most people who attend 12-step meetings and have healthy relationships are potential sponsors for new members. An important thing to have is rapport for the sponsorship relationship to be effective. The sponsor needs to be someone from whom you can ask hard questions, trust enough to give honest answers and discuss things in an uncompromising way.
Choose someone who, for you, is a role model, who can provide emotional support, has a good listening ear, and will not accommodate our efforts to lie to ourselves as we go through our inventories and make amends. Look for someone with a strong support system, who is confident in their own sobriety, and who attends 12-step recovery meetings.
Some people who may not be the best at sponsoring you are your family members or a romantic partner. Therapists, group therapy, or other support groups outside of AA that charge for services are not ideal sponsors in recovery.
Sponsors That Are Not Good for Recovery
Sadly, there are bad sponsors. We’re not talking about someone who has a different way of looking at things. Sometimes, it is nobody’s fault, and there is simply a failure to connect. It is always necessary to see how a sponsor and sponsee work out and, if necessary, to end the sponsor-sponsee relationship. These are not bad sponsors. Different people need different things.
Unfortunately, bad people are everywhere, including in the recovery rooms. It’s important to note that this is not a daily occurrence, but like any organization, it’s a good idea to vet someone you ask to sponsor you.
The bad sponsor is someone who fails to build up the recovering addict along the lines of the 12 steps.
They may have one or more of several faults. These include:
Having an over-inflated ego.
For this person, being a sponsor is more about being seen as a sponsor than about being interested in the sponsor role.
Being abusive
There are many ways of being abusive. Most typically, this would be ridiculing or belittling the person they are supposed to help it. A good sponsor calls out actions, not the person.
Being manipulative
This is taking advantage of the power dynamic and is aimed at taking advantage of the sponsee. It may be as simple as running chores or trying to elicit sex. The occasional request for a favor as one friend to another is fine, but when it becomes a regular thing and starts to feel exploitative, it needs to be dealt with. Something like sex should never be raised.
Being negligent
Being a sponsor requires time and commitment. Sometimes, a person cannot handle a call from a sponsee. A family emergency is an obvious example, but exceptions aside, a sponsor needs to be responsive to their charge’s needs, particularly in the days of early sobriety.
If a sponsor exhibits any of these traits, it is necessary to move on. The idea is intimidating but necessary to ensure you are in the best place to complete the program. Anything less than an effective sponsor is not the right sponsor.
Summary
An AA sponsor is the product of previous sponsors who practice the 12-step philosophy. Sponsors feed on the legacy of previous sponsors, going back to the foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous. Finding the right sponsor is a process in recovery.
A sponsor will be a good friend, but in a way that you may not be used to. We had friends in the days who were dishonest and did not call us out. They may even have supported our substance abuse disorder. A sponsor will be a true friend and hold up a mirror in which we see both the good and the bad in us without condemning us.
A sponsor will guide us through the recovery journey and the twelve steps. They will point out a better path and do it compassionately because they have been there.
A sponsor will be a mentor, helping us learn this new and, frankly, sometimes intimidating way of life.
The answer to the question of what a sponsor is for addiction is clear: a sponsor is someone who will make a clear difference on the road to sobriety.