If you have ever sat in a meeting wondering how to pick a sponsor, you are not alone. It is one of the most common questions I get at Sober Speak, my recovery podcast.
People write in all the time asking questions like, “What makes a good sponsor?” How do I know if someone is right for me? What happens when someone asks me to sponsor them?
In episode 261 of Sober Speak, my friend David G. sat down with me to talk it all through. David has been sober since September 15th, 1993.
He lives right here in Frisco, Texas, and he sponsors many people. After more than thirty years in Alcoholics Anonymous, he is the kind of guy who attracts newcomers at meetings because he speaks with a confidence about what he does in his program.
That intensity can throw people off at first. But as David himself put it, once people realize he is not coming at them, he is just talking about himself, they start to hear what he is actually saying.
Pick a Sponsor You Do Not Completely Like
This was maybe the most direct thing David said in the whole conversation, and it stuck with me. He told me that for years he picked sponsors he thought were cool.
Easy to be around, funny, the kind of people he already liked. And it never worked.
The shift happened on September 15th, 1993. He recognized that his old way of choosing sponsors was killing him.
So he asked Clovis, a man who spoke about the steps with real authority. Not the kind that tries to impress people, but the kind that comes from actually doing the work year after year.
David’s advice now is simple. If you have been asking people to sponsor you for years and it has not been working, ask someone whose message has been consistent and whose life has gotten better and better.
Even if you do not completely like them at first. Your picker, as David put it, might be broke.
How David Sponsors People Through the Steps
David is methodical in his approach to sponsorship and to how he takes people through the 12 steps, but he is not rigid. He does not read the Big Book line by line with his sponsees.
Instead, he gives them an assignment before they even meet. He asks them to get a Big Book and a green highlighter.
Then he tells them to start at the preface and highlight anything that sounds like the problem of alcoholism or the solution to the problem. The Big Book is written that way, he explained.
Problem, solution, problem, solution. He wants his sponsees to start seeing that pattern before they ever sit down with him.
He also asks them to get a cheap spiral notebook with a cover they can write on. He tells them why when they meet.
From there, they work through the chapters together, reading what the sponsee highlighted and talking about it. When they reach Chapter Five, they stop at the instructions for the fourth step.
They get on their knees for the third step prayer on page 63. And they do the fourth-step inventory straight out of the book, with four columns covering resentments, fears, and the rest.
What makes David’s approach different is the relationship beneath it all. He talked about Clovis sitting with him and going deep right from the start.
Not just talking about alcoholism but talking about who David was as a person. His parents, his upbringing, the feeling that the ground under his feet was never solid.
For the first time in his life, David said, he felt completely comfortable telling someone everything about himself. That relationship became the springboard for everything that followed.
The Five Alive: Daily Basics for Staying Sober
David mentioned something he calls the Five Alive, a set of simple rules he learned from Clovis to help him stay sober. He has referenced it on the podcast before, and it always resonates with people.
At its core, it is about the basics. The things you have to do every day to stay on the path.
Nothing fancy. Just consistent.
Remembering Jeff
I want to say something about the part of this conversation I did not plan. I knew David had lost a stepbrother to this disease, and I felt in the moment that we needed to talk about it.
Jeff was David’s stepbrother from the time Jeff was just a little kid. They were close. They played together and went on vacations together.
And as David put it, when Jeff was young, he looked up to David. That was not a good thing at the time, because the David he was looking up to was still out there using.
Jeff struggled for most of his adult life. There were multiple stints in jail and prison, and short-lived attempts at sobriety.
David paid for sober living for him at one point. The last time they spoke, Jeff called to make amends.
He wanted David to know he had not realized David was the one who paid. He wanted to pay him back.
David told him it would pay him back enough if he helped someone else someday.
A few months later, Jeff was found dead.
David got emotional talking about it. He said the thing that stays with him is the feeling that he had a bigger influence on Jeff while he was still using than he ever got to have on him as a sober man in AA.
He tried. He really did. He just ran out of time.
There are so many souls like Jeff. That is why this work matters.
That is why showing up to meetings, working with a sponsor, and being available to sponsees matter. Because someone might be watching, and someday what happened to Jeff might become someone else’s sobriety.
Listen to the Full Episode With David G.
David covers much more ground in the full conversation, including how he handles sponsees who taper off once their situation improves and what real honesty in a sponsor relationship actually looks like.
You can listen to the full episode with David G. right here: https://soberspeak.podbean.com/e/261-david-g-sponsorship-in-alcoholics-anonymous/
This episode of Sober Speak is sponsored by Soberlink. If you or someone you love is in recovery and accountability matters, check them out at soberlink.com/sober-speak.
From my heart to yours. Keep coming back.