Pick a quiet time when your teen is sober, and you can talk without an audience.
Start with one thing you saw or heard. “When I picked you up on Friday, I smelled alcohol. I was worried about you. Can you tell me what happened?”
Give them time to answer. You can listen first and still be clear about what you expect.
If the conversation stalls, leave yourself room to come back to it. You can also ask a pediatrician for help if you keep seeing the same pattern or you’re worried about safety.
A first conversation can help you understand what happened and agree on what your teen can do if they need help getting home.
Start With What You Know
If you learned about the drinking from someone else, say that plainly. “Another parent told me there was drinking at the party. I wasn’t there, and I want to hear what you saw.” If you found a bottle or saw a message, describe what you found without filling in the rest of the story.
Changes in mood, sleep, or grades can have several explanations. You can ask about them without assuming alcohol is involved.
Look for a time when your teen has some privacy and enough time to answer. That could be while you’re walking the dog, getting something to eat, or sitting at the kitchen table after everyone else has gone upstairs. Think about how you’ll start before you bring it up. A sentence you can say in your own voice is enough.
If you were angry or scared earlier, it’s fine to name it. “I got loud when you came in last night. I’m still worried, and I’d like to try this conversation again.” If they ask if they’re in trouble, you can be honest. “We’ll talk about the rules. Right now I want to hear what happened and check that you’re okay.”
Give Them a Question They Can Answer
Start somewhere specific. “What happened after you got there?” can be easier to answer than “Why would you do that?”
If your teen says everyone was drinking, ask how they felt and whether they felt free to leave. If they say someone offered them a drink, ask what made it easy or hard to turn down.
If your teen tells you they drank, give yourself a moment before you respond. “Thanks for telling me. How much did you have, and how did you get home?”
Those questions get at safety and give you a better picture of the situation. If it happened recently, ask whether they took anything else or felt ill. Bring up one question at a time.
If your teen says they didn’t drink, you can acknowledge what they said while explaining what you observed. “I hear you. I’m still worried about Friday, and I want us to have a plan if there’s alcohol at another party.”
If they walk out or shut down, tell them when you’d like to check in again. A second conversation might go differently once they know what you’re going to ask.
You may hear something you didn’t expect. Perhaps your teen felt stuck because their ride had been drinking, or maybe they were trying to keep up with older friends.
Ask what would have helped in that moment. Their answer can point to a change you can make together before the next invitation comes.
Agree on a Ride Home and Say What You Expect
Say clearly what the rule is in your household. Then talk through how your teen can leave a situation where someone is drinking or the driver may be impaired. Decide who can come get them, what to do if that person doesn’t pick up, and whether there’s a short text they can send when they need a ride and can’t talk freely. Choose a backup adult together.
A simple agreement might sound like, “If you need a ride, send me ‘come get me’ and your location. I’ll come get you or tell you who’s on the way. We can talk about what happened after you’re home.”
Then follow through if they call. If they worry the conversation will start as soon as they get into the car, let them know when you plan to talk.
If you’re in recovery yourself, you may notice that this brings up memories you weren’t expecting. Decide how much of your own experience you want to share. One short sentence about why the subject matters to you can be enough.
Leave time for your teen’s account, and use your own support system if you want to talk through everything else the conversation brought up.
When to Ask a Pediatrician for Help with Teen Drinking
Call your teen’s pediatrician or another qualified adolescent clinician if you’re seeing repeated drinking, drinking that’s affecting school or home life, or incidents such as blackouts or getting into a car with someone who’s been drinking.
You can also call if your teen says they use alcohol to cope or if you’re worried about other substances. You can ask for a screening even if you’re still sorting out what happened.
Be specific when you make the call. “This is the second time this month we’ve picked her up from a party where there was alcohol. She’s also been missing school on Mondays. Can we schedule a visit to talk about it?”
Ask what information would help before the appointment and whether part of the visit can be one-on-one with your teen. The clinician can explain how confidentiality works and what information they share with parents.
If a clinician recommends specialized support and you’re looking in southern Arizona, Artemis Adolescent Healing Center’s teen substance use treatment program resources describe its Tucson program, as well as a program in Surprise that is convenient to Phoenix.
It can help you prepare questions about how a program evaluates alcohol use and mental health together and how parents can participate.
If your teen is hard to wake, has a seizure, or is breathing slowly or irregularly after drinking, call 911.
Stay with them while help is on the way and tell responders what you know about what they drank or took. You can have the rest of the conversation when they’re medically safe.
If you and another caregiver disagree about what to do, talk that through away from your teen first. You may differ on consequences and still agree about who will answer the phone, how to get your teen home, and who will call the pediatrician.
A teen who spends time in two households should know which adults they can reach from either one.
Come Back to It When Things Are Calm
Choose a specific time to check in again. That might be after school on Monday, before the next party, or after you’ve spoken with the pediatrician.
Ask what your teen took away from the first conversation and what they’d change about the plan to get home safely. You can adjust the details if the first plan turns out to be awkward to use.
If the next conversation is only a few minutes long, spend them on something that matters. Find out what your teen would text if they needed you, or ask if they want you in the room when they first talk to the doctor.
You’re giving them a way to reach you when something happens, and a way to tell you about it afterward.
References
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. (n.d.-a). Alcohol screening and brief intervention for youth: A practitioner’s guide. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/professional-education-materials/alcohol-screening-and-brief-intervention-youth-pra
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. (n.d.-b). Understanding the dangers of alcohol overdose. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-dangers-of-alcohol-overdose
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2023). Age-appropriate conversations about alcohol and other drugs. https://library.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/pep23-03-01-004.pdf
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (n.d.). Parent resources: Five goals. https://www.samhsa.gov/substance-use/prevention/talk-they-hear-you/parent-resources/conversation