A few years ago, I had the pleasure of recording Clif G. out of Oklahoma City for episode 283. Clif has been sober since August 15th, 2001, and he carries the kind of stories that stay with you long after the microphones are off.
The one I keep coming back to is about an old man named Don. It is a small story about showing up, and it might be one of the most important things I have ever put on the podcast.
A Bulletproof Newcomer Plan
Clif came into AA in the summer of 2001 with what he called a bulletproof newcomer plan. He was going to go for 30 or 60 days, get his wife calmed down, and then go right back to drinking.
He did not think he had a drinking problem. He thought he had a back problem. Everybody was on his back, he figured, and he just needed them off.
If you have ever sat in a meeting telling yourself you were only there to keep the peace at home, you already know this plan. A lot of us walked in the first time with one foot pointed toward the door.
The Old Man Named Don Who Just Kept Showing Up
Every single day, Clif would show up to that meeting. And every single day, this old man Don would catch him and say, Bub, how you doing?
Clif would say Fine. And Don would say, well, listen, if there is ever anything I can do for you, let me know. Then Don would step aside.
He did that for 45 straight days. Never pushed, never lectured. Never told Clif he needed to get a sponsor, read the book, or do 90 meetings in 90 days.
Just friendship, offered plain, and then a step back to give it room. No pressure and no agenda, only a door left open a little wider each day.
The Moment That Cracked Him Open
On a Thursday in mid August, Clif walked out of a noon meeting and straight into a bar. He was gone for three days, came home, got thrown out again, and detoxed at a friend’s house.
On August 15th, 2001, he came back to that meeting. He sat down with the same thought running on a loop, how to drink and how to stay sober at the same time.
Then, five minutes before the end, all of it went quiet. A new thought arrived, plain and clear. If he did not do something different that day, he was going to die.
Clif calls it a moment of grace. He says God cracked his heart open and let him stand in the crevice and see himself for exactly who and what he was. In the blink of an eye, everything changed.
Finding a Sponsor in AA, One How You Doing at a Time
When that meeting ended, Don caught him one more time and asked how he was doing. This time, Clif said, “Not very good.”
Don said he knew, and that if there was ever anything he could do to help, to let him know.
Clif’s head told him to run. His mouth said three words instead: “I need a sponsor.” Don sat down with him right there, and Clif stayed with Don as his sponsor until Don passed away about twelve years later.
Clif said Don was on him like a chicken on a Junebug. All those days of patience, and the moment the truth finally came out, Don was right there to meet it.
I do not know about you, but I have been on both sides of that one. I have been the person who needed somebody to keep showing up while I was lying to their face. And I have been the person who wanted to grab the newcomer by the shoulders and shake them into seeing it.
Don knew better than to shake anybody. He understood that you cannot argue a person into willingness. You can only stay close enough to be there when it arrives.
The Window on Grace
Clif said something else I have been sitting with ever since. He said there is a window on grace, and because we are selfish and self-centered, we tend to pull that window closed.
For 45 days, Don’s whole job was just to be near the window. He wanted to be close enough to climb through the second it cracked open.
That is the work, I think. It is not forcing the window or prying it open. It is just staying near it, patient and kind, until grace does what only grace can do.
There is a quiet lesson in that for anyone trying to help someone they love. The showing up is the help. The staying is the message.
Who Is Your Don?
So here is the question I want to leave you with this week. Who is your Don?
Who kept catching you in the hallway, kept asking how you were doing, kept the window open long enough for you to finally climb through? Most of us have someone. Some of us had a whole roomful of them.
There is a reason Don always asked for Clif’s number instead of just handing over his own. He knew that no newcomer can lift the ten thousand pound phone, the one that sits in front of you feeling impossible to pick up. So Don did the calling, again and again, because he cared more about Clif’s recovery than Clif did at the time.
And maybe the harder question. Whose Don are you supposed to be right now?
Is there a newcomer in your meeting you keep meaning to check on? Someone at work, or in your family, who is still running the bulletproof plan and does not know it yet?
You do not have to fix them. You just have to be near the window.
Go Listen This Week
Clif G. has been on Sober Speak several times, and every conversation is worth your time. Episode 283 is where he tells the story of Don in his own words, and it lands even harder when you hear him say it.
Give it a listen this week, then think about who your Don was, and who might need you to be theirs. If something stirs, feel free to shoot me a note. I read every single one.
Sober Speak was founded by John M. as a place for honest conversation about recovery, the kind of talk that happens in meetings but rarely makes it online. New episodes drop every Friday, featuring people sharing their experience with the 12 steps, sobriety, and the work of staying well.
You can listen on Podbean at soberspeak.podbean.com, or find the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.