Empathy is one of the best human traits, and it’s invaluable to our loved ones when they’re going through a tough time. However, empathy should never be unconditional or taken for granted. While the time and energy you can dedicate to others isn’t limitless, setting some healthy boundaries on empathy can also benefit those who need it. Only a thin line separates empathy and enabling entrenched behaviors — often destructive and self-destructive. While empathy is there to help people heal and feel better about themselves, enabling all behaviors indiscriminately is a recipe for disaster. Plus, no matter how much you love someone, this approach is almost guaranteed to prolong the root cause of their problems instead of solving them. So, how do you provide support without reinforcing destructive patterns? We’ll explain the key differences between empathy vs. enabling below and explore how you can provide one while avoiding the other.
Effective Communication Is Crucial
Understanding their current predicament and needs is essential if you want to provide some much-needed support to someone. Familiarizing yourself with specific problems is especially crucial if your loved one is struggling with mental health issues. You need to understand the root cause of their behaviors before addressing them and providing help.
For instance, people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often experience difficulties in regulating their emotions and emotional reactions. To communicate with someone with BPD effectively, you need to practice active listening. This means focusing on the issue the person is trying to convey — without passing judgment or interrupting them.
However, this is where empathy vs. enabling dichotomy comes into play. While you want to show empathy to your loved one with BPD, you must also establish firm boundaries that keep the conversation on-topic and focused. Otherwise, they will likely veer off or become irrational and emotional — especially if you’re talking about a touchy subject.
Of course, you should be gentle in the process. Tell them that you understand how they feel but that you’d like to discuss the issue constructively. This may be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for a productive conversation.
Proper Timing Is Essential
Unless you’re ready to address a touchy subject methodically and in-depth, it may be best to avoid it when you’re communicating with someone suffering from BPD. If you don’t think you can manage their emotional reaction and guide it towards something constructive, it’s best to leave it for later unless it’s imminently urgent.
Instead, you can work on building trust by communicating on more neutral topics first and strengthening your bond.
Over time, you can start addressing more stressful subjects. When you notice your loved one shows signs of stress, use your emotional intelligence to gauge the situation and respond appropriately. In most cases, when someone acts impulsively — you can defuse the situation by asking them to take a moment to stop and think rationally.
Depending on how much your loved one is in crisis, you must sometimes be prepared to do more than listen. Sometimes, concrete actions are necessary — including contacting mental health professionals.
Empathy vs. Enabling — Differences in Practice
Okay, so you know that not supporting destructive behaviors is important. But the question is, how can you tell the difference between empathy vs. enabling in every situation?
As you might expect, there’s no definitive answer — each person, relationship, and situation is unique. For instance, some people with BPD overeat, while others develop anorexia. However, one general rule of thumb is that you’re enabling the wrong behaviors if your support prolongs the root problem or worsens it.
For instance, it’s one thing to avoid being judgmental about loved ones and their actions when they’re going through a tough time. However, that doesn’t mean you should justify everything they do. The “it’s not your fault” approach can be disastrous for long-term recovery when it’s not true. At some point, we all need to take responsibility for our actions.
What does empathy look like in this hypothetical situation if that’s enabling? Instead of patting someone on the back or taking care of things for them, you can try to help them find a long-term solution. At the same time, communicate that you understand how difficult the process is for them.
This combo of realism, objectivity, and empathy is the healthiest approach. It helps your loved ones deal with their behavior without harshly treating themselves. This is absolutely necessary for long-term recovery.
Educate Yourself on Issues
If you intend to help your loved one work through their issues in the long run, you should learn more about the problems they’re facing. If they’re dealing with addiction, mental disorders, or something else — you need to become a subject matter expert if you’re going to provide sufficient help.
Learning more can help you adjust your approach for maximum effectiveness. Though, of course, your own knowledge on a subject can’t replace professional help — especially when it comes to mental illnesses.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
When it comes to empathy vs. enabling, setting proper boundaries is crucial. In fact, it’s necessary if you want to provide support to others without endangering your own well-being. Without boundaries, you can easily become emotionally exhausted — especially if your loved ones are addicted to emotional pain. As a result, you won’t be an effective ally in the fight against mental illness and other issues — but you’ll start facing your own issues as well.
When setting boundaries, you should still be gentle. However, you must still find a way to show your needs clearly. For instance, you can point out that, while you want to be available, you can’t be on-call 24/7. Try to establish a regular communication routine that also considers your needs.
Conclusion
Empathy is essential to healthy support, but only when you employ it properly and within limits. With that in mind, feel free to set boundaries and guide conversations to a productive line of thought. In the process, you’ll learn to distinguish between empathy vs. enabling and avoid supporting negative, debilitating habits. While it may seem uncomfortable at first, not reinforcing your loved ones into destructive patterns is the best gift you can give them.